‘Nine days until the Big Ride’…said Humphrey the Lead Factory Elf. Santa looked at his right-hand Elf…and thought, ‘I am tired…and no one ever considers that I would like a Christmas Gift…from time to time.’ Humphrey noticed the dejected and downtrodden look on Santa’s round and usually florid and jolly face. Santa’s Meerschaum pipe had been cracked at the Christmas Party that Billy B. and Chet and Jane and Daryl and his dad…The Wiz had invited him to when Chet had jumped off his lap when the Hillcrest Third Grade Class had simultaneously pulled 30 English Christmas Crackers. Mrs. Claus…Carolyn… had bought him some Christmas Pipe tobacco…but now he had no Meerschaum pipe to smoke it in. The Christmas Pipe was a big deal to Santa…after all he had been interviewed by Clement Clarke Moore for his famous poem…A Visit from St. Nicholas…where he is portrayed as, ‘The stump of his pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath…’

Billy B. knew immediately what to do after Humphrey telephoned him about the Great Christmas Pipe Quandry. He went to visit his friend at Yesteryear Tobacconist in Carbondale, Illinois, and told him of Santa’s unique Christmas Pipe needs. Mr. P. the famous Rugby Player…said that he would get to work on the new Meerschaum Pipe for Santa and that he would work night and day and throughout the weekend and would have it ready for the Jolly Old Elf…Monday night…after dark…as it became dark in Carbondale…before 5:00 P:M: Mr. P. went on the say that he was ordering Santa some special blend of Christmas tobacco and that one was entitled…Christmas Eve…and the other was…Christmas Morning…

Monday afternoon at 4:45 P:M: Santa and Humphrey and Chet and Billy B. arrived at Yesteryear Tobacconist…and Mr. P. opened the door with a wide Christmas Smile on his face. Santa was so pleased when he laid his eyes on the new glistening Meerschaum Christmas Pipe that Mr. P. had painstakingly handmade for Father Christmas. Santa said, ‘You know I am just not myself without my trademark Christmas Pipe…and the new Christmas Tobacco is to die for…’ Chet asked Santa, ‘Santa…would you be willing to acknowledge Mr. P.’s manufacturing of your Christmas Pipe…?’ Santa replied that he would like for Mr. and Mrs. P. to move to the North Pole and be his exclusive Christmas Pipe Manufacturers…and that he knew of a lot of potential customers…’ Santa then said, ‘I will put out ads for your pipes on Facebook and all social media…as well as television and print media.’ ‘Mr. P….you will be known as the Master Pipe Maker for Santa Claus…and you will have more business…than you can handle!’

Humphrey Bogart said, ‘Heres Looking At You…Kid…’